Matt Owens Rees

Chapter 6 Talking to my son

My hospital appointment came more quickly than I had expected. Hooked up to several machines by what seemed like an endless flow of wires, I spent two hours on a bed while examinations on my heart were completed.

The good news was that the hospital had found nothing out of the ordinary. My doctor took me off the sick list. I was free to go back to work.

I went around to see my son, Michael. I had missed him terribly and I wanted him to stay a part of my life; however difficult that might be with his mother discouraging him from seeing me.

He seemed delighted with the gifts and clothes I had brought back for him, and I proudly showed him all the photos and videos I had taken in Thailand, in particular those of Toy and myself visiting the usual tourist spots.

Although the elephant football match was of interest, what surprised him was that elephants could still be seen walking the streets with their mahouts as in the old days.

He found the photos of the show at the snake farm extremely fascinating and thought the spectacle looked quite dangerous.

He must have relayed much of our conversation to his mother because she got in the habit of referring to Toy as my Thai whore.

We were divorced and I had met Toy only after the decree absolute. What on earth was her problem?

We sat for what seemed like hours talking about Thailand. I showed him a map and explained all I had learned and loved about the country and Toy.

In retrospect, I can’t remember asking him about the things he had been doing. There was so much to tell him about me and Thailand.

I started working just three days a week at the bank, but by the end of the first month I was working my normal hours.

Even though I had been off work for several months, I still retained my full holiday entitlement, and it was not long before I was planning my next trip to Thailand to keep my promise to Toy.

My airline tickets were booked for an outward flight one Sunday morning in July, so I had to start thinking of how I was to get to the airport for the start of my second twelve-day vacation.

Heathrow is not my favourite place to board a plane and start a holiday; getting from the car park to the terminal building and eventual departure gate can be a nightmarish experience.

Then a misfortune turned into a piece of luck. My car had been involved in a rear end collision, a 40-ton lorry having run into me when it failed to stop at some red lights. The repair would take at least a week.

I arranged for the garage to pick me up, drop me at airport departures, and collect me on my return. Perfect.

Then a misfortune turned into a piece of luck. My car had been involved in a rear end collision, a 40-ton lorry having run into me when it failed to stop at some red lights. The repair would take at least a week.

I arranged for the garage to pick me up, drop me at airport departures, and collect me on my return. Perfect. The ex-wife need not know, indeed it would confuse her not seeing the car in the drive and my not being in the annex.

Toy met me at the airport, this time at the right arrivals gate. Instead of taking me to a hotel, she took me straight to her home. 

Kanya had started university and was therefore living on campus. Not having been to Toy’s room before, I was a bit shocked to see how very basic it was.

She rented a small unit in a large block of similar sized apartments. There was one room, a Thai-style squat toilet and shower, an open-air kitchen, and a small balcony where her pet rabbit, Brown, lived.

The main room in many Thai homes is where they both eat and sleep. Although most of the time they will eat outside, chatting and socialising with the neighbours.

Having separate bedrooms, whilst becoming more popular, is unusual in poorer areas. When it is time to sleep, you pull down a mattress, lay it on the floor, and unfold the mosquito nets.

The day after my arrival, I left with Toy to go to school. Toy’s friends once again greeted me but this time I felt a little more warmth in the welcome.

I am sure this was not due to the many biscuits, sweets and chocolate treats I had brought with me for them to enjoy.

While Toy was teaching, I stayed in the staff room answering the endless questions being fired at me. It was good to see Pakpao again. She had returned to her normal shape having given birth to a healthy boy, nicknamed Atom.

I admit I liked being the centre of attention. People seemed interested in ME.

In everyday conversation, Thais use nicknames. Their real names being used only on formal occasions and for official documents. I could never get my tongue around their full names anyway.

Nicknames are sometimes given in celebration of a birth. One of Toy’s colleagues, who had had difficulty in conceiving, named her first child Kawpkhun, “thank you” in Thai.

Her second child was “Green Grass” and the third was nicknamed “Third”. The family had obviously run out of new ideas for nicknames!

Other names I have come across are Coco, Cookie, First, Oi, (sugar cane), Nung, (the number one), Boss, Mine, and my favourite, Cartoon. The Thais love using English words as nicknames.

Sometimes, Thais may have more than one nickname; one used by the family, the other used by friends.

I had often heard Toy call one of her teacher friends Pee Weelai when her name was actually Weelai. A popular name for middle class Thais.

The Pee in front of a name denotes an elder brother or sister and is used as a form of respect even when you are not related. I still make the mistake of calling her Pee Weelai though I should not do so as she is younger than me.

Thais can be a bit embarrassed when a younger person addresses them as Pee. It makes them feel you’re saying that they look old. They don’t comment on it, of course. But, sometimes it would be helpful if they explained a foreigner’s mistake.

Surnames in Thailand have only been used since 1913 and should you come across two people with the same surname you can be fairly sure that they are related, however distantly.

King Rama VI made it a condition that Chinese wanting to become Thai citizens had to take a Thai surname.

Even today, Thais who have a hill tribe background can have difficulties registering surnames. Although they have Thai nationality, they are not given the usual Thai ID cards.

That night Toy and I went for a meal and chatted endlessly under the stars, but I had no good news for her with regard to my situation back in the UK. It was as if life was standing still for both of us.

I was unsure if Toy was going to be prepared to wait. I clearly could not continue flying out to Thailand every three months or so for a few days of happiness together.

This had been recognised already by many of her friends back at school. She confided in me that some of her friends had said that they did not expect to see me again after I had returned to the UK in March.

I reassured Toy that my intentions were honourable but I could not allow her to wait indefinitely. My life was on hold and I did not want Toy to share in this uncertainty.

I spent many a happy hour attending school and took a close interest in the daily routine.

Every day at 8am, the children stand and sing the national anthem.

On Fridays, they wear their traditional costumes. Each hill tribe has its own distinctive and colourful dress; while children from the nearby villages and towns are dressed in the Lanna style of northern Thailand.

Many major companies and local government departments regularly approach the school with requests for the children to be photographed or take part in promotional activities.

A win-win situation. The school obtains a fee, the students get a little pocket money, and the corporations get valuable and cheap advertising for their products.

Toy wanted me to meet her family in Tak, so we set out early one Saturday morning for the three-hour journey to her father’s home.

Driving up into the mountains, we passed many trucks filled to over-flowing with goods of all descriptions.

It is quite common to see a crate of chickens or other livestock fall off as a lorry careers around a tight bend, and for the driver to have to stop, round up his flock, and try to re-secure the load.

Twice we saw buses parked on the verges with steam coming out of their radiators after overheating. The passengers taking advantage of the break by having an improvised picnic on the side of the road.

They all looked very happy. We pressed on, being careful to avoid any deer that may be emerging unexpectedly from the forest.

Once we had cleared the mountain roads and were approaching Tak, we stopped at a small café for a bite to eat and to buy some food to take to her father. 

Toy ordered several meals that were put in small plastic bags tied with a rubber band. There are always plenty of food and fruit stalls on the side of the road in this country.

You need never starve on a long journey. It is also customary in Thailand to ask for any food you cannot finish to be put in a bag to take away.

One hour later, having passed a few road-side counters selling kitchen knives, garden plants, a small drug store, and a few more noodle stalls; we turned into a compound of four metal-roofed houses on stilts.

Her father lived in one house; relatives, some quite distant, in the others. Toy reversed into a shady area under some trees and we got out of the car into the midday heat.

Always a shock to the system for many farangs. Toy had not told her father that we were paying him a visit.

I was surprised to see so many smiling faces sitting around low bamboo tables, chatting, preparing food, or hand washing laundry.

Children were playing in the yard, young infants were asleep in hammocks, babies were wrapped in a shawl around their mothers’ bodies, and chickens were roaming free, picking up scraps of rice from the ground.

Toy unpacked the car and started to hand out the sweets that Toy had asked me to buy on our drive down. Many children gathered round. Some she knew, most she did not.

Toy’s father came down the steps of his home pulling on a clean white vest as he approached. His new wife following, wearing a long skirt right down to her ankles and a brightly coloured shirt. 

Toy wai’d her father and his wife. As they were older than me, I also wai’d them.

We all sat together in a spot out of the sun and heat, drinking the refreshing iced water that is always quickly brought out to guests whenever someone visits a Thai home.

Toy never looked her father straight in the eye, and the conversation seemed very stiff and formal, totally lacking in affection.

Her Dad never looked directly at her and seemed ill at ease. She occasionally interpreted what was being said, but I was mostly in the dark about the conversation.

My Thai vocabulary was very limited – just a dozen words or so.

Despite the galvanized roof, the house seemed relatively cool. The inside of this teak home was dark with few windows. There was one main room with two small bedrooms leading off. Both had just mattresses on the floor and mosquito nets hanging from the ceiling.

Some clothes were stacked on shelves, while others hung from an open rail. On the walls of the main room hung pictures of his family, and a picture of the late King taken from an old calendar.

Hundreds of thousands of homes in Thailand are exactly like this.

Apart from a few wooden chairs, there is little furniture. An old fridge in the corner and a small TV on a makeshift trestle.

Eating takes place either on the floor or outside.

No aircon of course, and only the occasional fan. Electric wiring dangling loosely from the ceiling and insecurely fixed to the walls. No earth or other safety devices.

Most tourists don’t get to see how the ordinary Thai lives.

I saw for the very first time a black and white photo of Toy’s mother taken just before she died and one of her father as a young man.

There was a picture of a woman receiving her degree from a member of the royal family. Toy proudly declared that it was her in her academic dress.

Another photo was of Toy’s younger brother in the army. There are always lots of medals, ribbons, and formal white uniforms in such photos. There is no harm in that. Thais like to show their position in society.

The rules of hierarchy would not work if evidence of rank or senior status were not so visible.

Although Toy had said she received her award from King Bhumibol, I understood later from a friend that it was another member of the royal family. The King stopped officiating at these ceremonies years ago because of failing health. 

Toy was no exception to the Thai penchant for making up stories and exaggerating. I let it pass. It was not of great consequence.

In the West, you would question why girlfriends needlessly made such claims. You might become more cautious of anything else they told you.

Occasionally, some of these photos are not what they seem. Asking a Thai which university they went to or what subjects they studied can sometimes floor them.

They smile, change the subject, or walk away. The inscrutable East.

There were no portraits of her elder brother or younger sister. He did not live on the compound and rarely visited his father; she had married against her father’s wishes. These were the family’s two black sheep.

Visiting this village was like going back several decades.

Some of the women were looking after the children and the elderly at home, while the younger women and the men were working in the rice paddies.

Long hours, bent double, but pacing themselves as they worked in the hot sun. They chatted, joked, and sometimes burst into song.

Every so often, a child or an older person would come round with a big jug of ice-cold water and pour out some water for each worker.

I did not realise then, but I understand better now, the significance of a woman taking a man to see her parents and family.

It is not so much to get approval – though a dowry will be negotiated later if a marriage takes place – but to state publicly that the man is more than just a casual friend.

It shows that the woman sees the relationship as one she regards as permanent.

If a man does not intend the friendship to develop so quickly into an engagement or a wedding, he should not accept an invitation to the family home. The visit signals a future wedding.

Not going at least saves any face being lost. Thai men are conscious of these protocols. I was not. And Toy had not enlightened me.

We had been two hours at her father’s home, a short time but long enough for Toy. We said our goodbyes and went on the second leg of our journey to visit Toy’s aunt and cousins. 

Toy had often stayed at her home as a young girl whenever there were disputes at home over her education and ambitions.

The reception from her aunt’s family was warmer and friendlier than at her father’s. Toy was noticeably relaxed and seemed to enjoy catching up on the local gossip and reminiscing about the old days.

The years of suffering and hard work in the fields showed plainly on the faces of her aunt and uncle, now wrinkled after a lifetime in the hot sun.

Older than Toy’s father, they had difficulty in walking upright and had to use a stick to get about.

Their children, grandchildren, and great grand children were gathered around playing, laughing, and enjoying their simple happy life.

They were a typically close-knit Thai family, totally supportive of one another, with strong bonds amongst themselves and the local community.

The journey home took less time as we did not need to stop to eat.

Her duty done for another year, she said.