Matt Owens Rees

They said Alex is a nice chap—an American gay man who lives in a rented house with his young male Thai partner, Ae.

Alex’s story begins here. What follows is a carousel of characters—each navigating Thai life in their own way, with humour, hesitation, or quiet resolve.

Alex inherited some money from his mum when she died, and splashes it around a bit.

Sometimes he’s a little opinionated, particularly when he wants Thais to behave more like Americans. His pet beef is the slow service in restaurants and Thais not turning up on time for appointments.

His friends remind him that Thailand is not the 51st state of America. It makes no impression. He will never fully adapt to or appreciate Thai life. Nevertheless, he is happy enough living the way he wants to live.

I do not think he wants to integrate and sees no benefit in doing so. No problem with that, it is up to him.

It is strange that, although he lives with Ae, he finds so much wrong with Thais and Thailand. It borders on a colonial outlook: that he is better than the natives.. There are quite a few expats like that.

Loving every bit of life in Thailand, yet highly critical of the country and its people. Nolan said he knew many Thais who wondered why farangs who were that critical wanted to stay here.

Gabriel, who is Parisian and a manager for a French company operating in Thailand, has been here several years now. He will argue with a Thai and call a spade a spade.

He says turning the other cheek and walking away does not solve problems. Whether they lose face or not, the job needs to be done properly the way he wants it.

Technically, as the boss, he can do that—but it’s not the Thai way of doing things.

Thai managers don’t accept arguments from their workers. They use a persuasive, smiling approach when giving instructions.

Thai managers do not accept arguments from their workers but use a persuasive smiling approach when giving instructions. They have the advantage that Thais accept instructions from those higher up the hierarchy.

Gabriel, as a farang, doesn’t have that built-in advantage. He needs to get his workers on side. Maintaining good relationships with the labour force is vital in a business.

My friends thought he should strive for a better balance—accepting some cultural norms, but not letting them override his own way of getting projects completed on time. That will not be easy.

The Problems of Having a French Surname

When police were called to a traffic accident involving Gabriel’s wife’ car, they initially agreed the biker was at fault for pulling out in front of her.

When the officer saw her driver’s licence with a French surname, he changed tack.

(In Thailand a wife does not have to take the surname of her husband. However, Gabriel’s wife, Panee, chose to do so.)

 “You have more money than he has. I think you should pay.”

She did.

Sophie, who is English, lived with her toy boy for several years, but they now live separate lives. She rarely sees him. She spent a lot of money on him. They did many things together. Nok was never interested in meeting her farang friends—something she initially put down to Thai shyness.

I think she later understood that he wanted her financial support but not to share her life.

Sophie speaks reasonable Thai and integrates into the local community—helping at the local orphanage. Like all foreigners, she gets frustrated at times but she quickly catches herself if she is responding in a non-Thai way.

She speaks calmly. Thais do not like argument or loud voices. She has more mai pen rai in her than most farangs. She understands you do not get too forceful or serious with a Thai.

early, and has no job—Sophie is getting more careful.

Speaking a little of the language, not raising her voice, accepting a few inconveniences, not expecting too much from whatever a Thai does, and understanding the Thai values of face, mai pen rai, and greng jai—these have helped her to fit in.

Some will take advantage of her bighearted nature. Sophie can be a little over-generous in paying Thais for work done. Some will take advantage of her bighearted nature.

She knows now that she was reckless in giving Nok everything he wanted.

As her bank balance declines—she is in her fifties, retired early, and has no job—Sophie is getting more careful.

Thais have a Reputation for Cheating. Are some Foreigners the Same?

Although a group of Dutch nationals had sold Lucas a house on a development, he did not get the specification that he had paid for. The property was nothing like the photos shown during the slick sales promotion in the Netherlands.

The property was nothing like the photos he had been shown during the slick sales promotion in the Netherlands.

He had been led to believe he owned the house, but it was registered—as required under Thai law—in the name of a Thai. The deeds were in the name of the Thai wife of one of the Dutch developer’s directors. She owns the house outright.

In law, the money he paid is recorded as a gift to the Thai. Not payment for a house he thought he owned.

Lucas and his girlfriend can live in it but they have no security. It is not their house. They can be evicted at any time. The legal workaround would be for Lucas and his girlfriend to have a superfice in their names.

That gives them the legal right to stay there for 30 years or life. That they don’t actually own it doesn’t then really matter.

Lucas continued living in the house with his Thai girlfriend but would not pay the final balance due under the contract.Court procedures would have dragged on for years, and there were irregularities in the paperwork.

The Dutch group did not pursue it but neither did he get any money back from them.

He had met his girlfriend in a bar and also rented a nearby shop at a modest rental so that she could sell furniture from it. Long term, it may have made a reasonable profit—but the family moved in as “helpers,” so there was no cash left at the end of the day.

While he was in the Netherlands for a knee operation, I popped round to see Dokmai and was introduced to a man she called her brother. She took a phone call from Lucas, and it was clear she wasn’t giving him the real details of their low daily sales. She asked for more money to buy stock.

A Dutch couple lived a few doors away from his house and they tried to warn Lucas about Dokmai.

Sometimes a same-nationality couple living together can see a situation more clearly than a man with a Thai partner. They were trying to help, but it’s never wise to get between a guy and his gal—however tactful and well intentioned.

Lucas would not accept what was actually going on.

They were trying to help, but it’s never wise to get between a guy and his gal—however tactful and well intentioned.

Lucas had friends here and was good company. Everyone liked him. A pity it didn’t work out.


He should have found a woman like Toy.

Lucas cut his losses and is now back in the Netherlands. Dokmai and the family are still running the furniture shop. The house is vacant.

Getting Frustrated With Thai Ways

George married a Thai and they lived in England for six years. His wife, Dasani, is a nice lady apparently. George gets frustrated very quickly with Thai ways. Dual pricing, corruption, bad workmanship, Thai drivers, appointments never being kept, Thais not saying what they really mean.

His wife tries to explain that Thais do not do things in a western way. Because she has lived abroad, she understands his frustrations.

Dasani enjoyed the UK. Prices were higher, but wages were better—and those out of luck could fall back on the state.

She did not like the seriousness of the British people and that came across to her as being unfriendly.

Dasani noticed lots of regulations too. Can’t park here. Can’t park there. She was amused watching people queuing, standing in line. No smiles at the supermarket checkout. However, she coped with those western ways.

George can’t hack the way Thais do things and gets irritated.

Unfortunately, Thais do not seem willing to explain these cultural differences to their husbands or live-in lovers. hey see it as arguing with their partners—when in fact, it could be of immense help. They see it as arguing with their partners, when in fact it could be of immense help to them. 

Toy is the same. I wish she would put in plain words how I should react to certain situations. Thai culture is new to me and to many expats. We need help getting over culture shock and learning how to integrate—or at least live in harmony here.

Nolan, one of the friends who had come round, had read the book Thailand Fever.

He’s going to give George and Dasani a copy. Written by an American and his Thai wife, it’s full of useful advice on how Thais and Westerners can get along.

The book is bilingual—English and Thai—and encourages couples to read it together. It would seem a great way for George and Dasani to look at what they both see as a few of the petty annoyances of living in Thailand.

To get a balanced picture, they need to read a few other books as well.

Nothing is ever what it seems in this country.

I wanted Toy to read the book with me some time ago but she is too busy at school. A pity, we both need to understand why we think so differently.

Bill, who is in his late seventies, does not speak Thai and has no Thai friends.

He enjoys a good chinwag with expats, though he’s not keen on expat clubs. A bit of a loner, Bill enjoys watching English documentaries on his own. He keeps up with the news.

When he is discussing something, he is usually right. Bill is quite knowledgeable and has worked in several countries. His Western friends appreciate his breadth of experience.

He does not need to show off and is no bull-shitter.

Are All Expats in Thailand What They Pretend to Be?

Some foreigners here pretend to be what they’re not. You’d ignore them back home—but in Thailand, it’s harder to escape them.

Expats gravitate towards other expats and befriend one another. It is a natural reaction. You would not do that so automatically in the West. You would pick and choose your acquantances.

Bill’s only foible is a touch of jealousy. That can happen in Thailand if you’ve lost money and meet someone more fortunate.

It can be difficult to accept that they have the level of wealth that you formerly had.

Bill’s wife, Ganjaanan, is much younger than he is. He set her up to run an English-style fish and chip café that became popular with the local expats. They ran into problems when Immigration found he was working there without a work permit.

He was only clearing dishes from the tables when they were exceptionally busy.

Normally, blind eyes are turned for such small technical transgressions. It was another expat who apparently spilled the beans to the authorities The police had to act.

He is now funding Ganjaanan’s law course at university. To supplement the high fees, she helps with some of the college catering. Bill still gives the occasional helping hand. Some people never learn.

Tim, Nit’s husband, is Dutch. They bought a new house here and he ran (with a permit) his business from there.

The company he worked for then promoted him, and he moved back to the Netherlands with Nit.

She loves it there, despite the weather. They now have a young daughter who will be tri-lingual in English, Thai, and Dutch.

Nit had made it clear in her university days that she wanted to marry a farang. Her friends are not envious. They congratulate her on her good fortune.

Dao, her closest friend from university days, said she would never have even considered marrying a foreigner. I was surprised when she said that—she’s not xenophobic. I get on well with Dao. When the moment is right, I’ll ask her why she felt that way.

Samuel is a retired UK consultant with a portfolio of apartments in both England and Thailand. For some reason, he cannot keep friends for very long.

He is a born know-it-all. His bragging can get a bit repetitive.

Sam’s sole conversation is about the money he’s making from his condominiums and how he’s spending it.  One friend said he gives monthly updates on how much he spends on air conditioning.

Good luck to him, and I’m sure he works very hard. It cannot be easy having to keep an eye on a string of properties and tenants.

Quite a few expats have a tendency to boast and talk big. It doesn’t apply to Samuel, but it always amazes me how many PhDs, ex-SAS, and ex-American Navy SEALs we apparently have as retirees in Thailand.

If it were true, we’d need several large aircraft to fly them all home from Thailand.

They habitually take over on some of the internet forums that I read.

Nolan knows two families who immigrated to France and said that, as in his native Switzerland, expats in France do not know why there is this tendency to brag in Thailand. Neither he nor Daniel could offer an explanation.

Sam met his wife in Bangkok. He says she came from a poor family and lived in a slum. No one knows the circumstances of how they got to know each other. Sam says they met as they both had similar interests.

That does not ring true with people who know him. Nobody knows much about Boong’s background. Asking a girl where she learnt her English can be a useful way to find out a bit more about her.

Boong speaks extremely good English and is the only Thai my friends know who reads English books. She reads books on childcare—she’s that fluent.

Samuel and Boong have a five-year-old girl who has dual nationality and can speak English and Thai.

Do Thais Always Say What They Really Mean?

Leon and Julie are Swiss. They have had a house built to their own design and to a very high specification. Heaven knows how much it cost. Julie was a language teacher so probably did not find learning Thai that difficult.

She deals with all the building queries. They have a mix of Thai and farang friends. A healthy combination, I think.

Leon is a retired barrister and what he found strange when they first came to Thailand was how impossible it is to get Thais to tell you something in a straightforward manner, to tell you what they are thinking.

He found it unnerving that they couldn’t be straight with him. As a lawyer, Leon is used to viewing facts analytically and weighing up what people say.

He used a questioning approach to bring out the truth in court and tried to do the same here.

It can be frustrating when you learn that such a method does not work in Thailand. People are more laid-back, do not like conflict situations, and are reticent in giving out information. Leon believes that is partly because they do not want to offend or lose face.

They make up stories that they believe sound convincing rather than rationally giving you the facts.

Thais and the Legal System

It is so common in Thai courts, Leon said, that such elaborations are expected. Judges accept it as the Thai way. Admitting guilt is not easy for the Thai.

Changes of plea often occur when a fifty per cent remission of sentence is suggested.

The downside of that is that innocent people, charged with serious offences which they did not commit, may plead guilty if they think they’re going to be found guilty anyway. Whether he’s right on that, I don’t know.

I don’t like to think badly of Thailand.

At road accidents, Thais think it natural to put a spin on what happened so that they are not seen as the guilty party. To some extent, everyone does that but, in Thailand, it is almost an automatic response even when there is no doubt about what occurred. It saves face.

Andrew and Elisabeth have just moved house. They are an English couple who had bought their property five years ago (in the name of a Thai) but decided they would prefer to rent in future.

By selling, they released capital. A prudent move as they could never have left it to their children. It was Thai owned.

They wanted more land anyway as their garden was rather small. They had no problem selling the house. Their Thai “owner” willingly signed the transfer papers.

They lost about 20% on the deal as, unlike in the West, houses depreciate.

Finding a farang buyer will get you a higher figure, particularly if the house is to western standards.

Thais value land more than houses and prefer to knock down a house and build again to their own better design. If someone has died in the house, they will almost certainly re-build. Thais are wary of ghosts.

Thais go for spacious interiors so that visiting relatives can camp out on the floors. It is quite normal to provide a blanket or a mattress on the floor for guests. If you go inside a Thai home, you will see minimal furniture.

Some Foreigners Insist They’ll Never Marry a Thai

Ruby is a single lady in her seventies who lives with a guy she calls her “live in.” 

Nam Som is thirty years her junior. Ruby does not want to get married nor own a property in Thailand. She has paid his tuition fees for music classes and has set him up in a small business venture.

They argue about marrying and buying a property every now and again but Ruby is quite adamant in what she wants to do. 

Nam Som is enjoying a better lifestyle than if he were with a Thai. Ruby has his company and is looked after. It is a win-win arrangement.

She stays at home most of the time. Many friends pop round and she keeps in touch via Facebook. She has tried to get a visa for Nam Som so that they can live in the States. It has been refused twice.

As with the single guys that frequent the bar scene, Ruby is typical of those who are not fully satisfied with their lives here. There is much that they miss about their home countries. But in most cases bridges have been irrevocably burn

Edward has been sensibly cautious. He was dating a Thai teacher in Bangkok for just under a year. They were getting on well together but increasingly there were demands for new clothes, and furniture. A new car was hinted at. He packed his bags.

After a little while, he found a very down to earth Isaan lady that shared his interests in life and, like him, enjoyed the outdoor country life. Mamuang (her Thai nickname, meaning Mango), has two teenage children who live with them.

Edward waited two years before popping the question.

They seem to have a good life together. His friends like her. That is always a good sign.

A lesson perhaps: never rush in, think carefully on what could be warning signs, and appreciate that people from the East give out different body signals from Westerners.

Understanding the culture is essential.

Edward had not been blind to the downsides of Thailand. Like many expats outside the forums, he could see the good and the bad. On balance, he likes it here and plans to stay.

He does not understand all the ramifications of the cultural differences that he observes every day. That could be exasperating if it were not for Mamuang’s help and explanations.

Without some Thai input, some expats find they have an uneasy feeling while living here. I’m trying to get Toy to open up more and get me more up to speed on Thai ways.

Edward’s story ends with calm and clarity. But not all expats find such balance. In the next section, we meet those who see Thailand through sharper lenses—some with insight, others with unease.