Matt Owens Rees

Part 9 of 14 in the Behind the Bamboo Curtain series of where Derek “escapes ” to Thailand.

Observing and Integrating

Some expats rush in. Others wait, observe, and learn. In this section, we meet those who’ve taken a slower path—cautious, curious, and quietly adapting to life in Thailand.

Although I feel happily married in Thailand, I still reflect on how I’m coping with what is, in truth, a very unusual lifestyle—and whether I’m truly integrating into this country.

I don’t think marrying Toy was love on the rebound. I don’t believe it was a reaction to failed Western marriages. We’d shared some fun together, and she’s a most caring lady. We’re content enough and enjoy each other’s company.

We don’t see much of each other during the day. I’m at my computer; she’s teaching in the classroom. Computers are addictive, but I get genuine pleasure from watching YouTube and UK television channels. If I need a break, I’ll do a few chores around the house.

Some days, I take her to school and we have lunch together. Each day feels faintly familiar.

I help out with English at Toy’s school. Nothing serious—reciting nursery rhymes, pointing to body parts and asking the youngsters for the name in English, teaching colours, counting from one to ten, and other light exercises.

I enjoy it. They enjoy it.

I do get tired quickly, which the teachers have noticed, and they’ve expressed concern.

Having now taught in a modest way, I’ve come to appreciate just how exhausted and stressed teachers can get when standing in front of 30 to 40 pupils all day.

Friday Is My Day With The Boys

I like to have a coffee with a few friends every Friday. Over a few coffees, we pieced together short pen portraits of those we know.

Toy goes upstairs whenever a farang visits, so we now always meet at a local coffee shop. She’s rather shy—but only with expats. With her Thai friends, she’s perfectly at ease.

Sometimes she’s made arrangements for the day and I’ve had to call off at the last minute.

It’s a pleasant break for me when I go out for a coffee. Daniel occasionally joins us for our Friday get-together, and we often talk about expats in Thailand and how some fit in better than others.

Over a few coffees, we pieced together some short pen portraits of those we know. I don’t always agree with Daniel and the others. I think they’re being a bit too critical and analytical; they think I see only what I want to see.

Paul is an interesting character. He lives just a few hundred yards away on my housing development. I fell out with him over some trivial matter and neither of us would back down. We don’t speak anymore.

I admit I spend some time surfing the Thai internet forums, as I did in the UK. Paul seems glued to his screen most of the day. He’s a bit contrarian—always disagreeing with whatever a poster says.

That seems par for the course on most Thai forums. New members, especially, get a right old bashing in the flame wars. Social media can be like that. Does the lack of face-to-face contact bring out the worst in people? They can hide behind their pseudonyms.

I tend to skip those arguments and read only topics of interest and those that may be useful. I read more than I post. Most expats say they do the same. Take the posts with a pinch of salt, but surf a few forums for yourself and you’ll get what I mean.

Chased Out of Thailand

The least biased forum for farangs, in my view, is andrew-drummond.com, run by a freelance journalist with experience in the UK press. He’s a bit of a terrier when it comes to discussing expat issues. Once he takes up a reader’s case, he rarely lets go.

He’s uncovered many injustices towards foreigners in Thailand. As an ex–News of the World journalist, he can be a bit sensationalist. It goes with the job, I suppose. His combative style often draws out the grumbling expats, who respond with their own bleak takes on Thailand.

Andrew still takes up expat issues, but was advised to leave Thailand when his life was threatened for exposing boiler room scams.

Matt and I agreed that, although some posters can see both sides of an issue, most seem to be either Thai bashers or Thai apologists—taking extreme views, as if everything in this country was always either black or white.


Thai Bashers and Thai Apologists

I think some of the bashers have been badly burned here and have lost large sums of money. The bulk of their life savings may have disappeared through property scams or by putting everything in the name of a Thai wife or girlfriend.

Forums can embolden more aggressive behaviour. Posters argue about dual pricing and what they consider bias towards Thais over the farang when it comes to resolving disputes. They have a point, but they rarely consider the Thai side of the argument.

Thai apologists rarely concede that anything might be wrong with Thailand.

Paul is a basher through and through. In small doses, he was thought-provoking to talk to, but many of his stories seemed a bit far-fetched. To be fair, he was more reasonable in normal face-to-face conversation.

Toy disliked him and refused to speak to him.

Daniel thinks some Thais prefer their foreign companions to stay quiet in public. Not just about politics, but about anything that might reflect badly on Thailand. They are very aware of what foreigners think of them.

They may not show it, but they’re listening. He believes they’re more sensitive to criticism than we realise.

He told me about a neighbour who stopped speaking to him after he made a passing comment about corruption. Nothing dramatic—just a remark about how things worked differently in the West. The neighbour didn’t argue. He just silently slipped away.

Daniel scoffs at such restraint. He thinks most farangs are being taken for a ride. He once said, “If you’re not being scammed, you’re not paying attention.”

I don’t agree, but I understand where he’s coming from. He’s been burned more than once.

Toy listens to these conversations with calm curiosity. She rarely comments, but I know she’s thinking about what’s being said. Sometimes she’ll ask me later, “Why did Daniel say that?” or “Is angry with Thailand?”

I try to explain, but it’s not easy. These conversations are part frustration, part fatigue, and part confusion.

We’re all trying to make sense of a place that doesn’t always explain itself. And maybe that’s the point.

Why Do Thais Call Some Expats Poo Dee Angkrit


I’d been told before that Westerners are said to be poo dee angkrit. Poo, a word that does not sound too good to a Western listener, is actually a term of great respect in Thai. It is used for judges and senior government ministers, for example. Dee is good, angkrit is English.

Ask a Thai what they mean when they describe someone as poo dee angkrit, and they’ll likely say it means someone (not necessarily English. It could be any Westerner) who is generous, caring, trusting, malleable, and polite. Those are the adjectives they will commonly use.

A Thai can wrongly assume that these characteristics indicate naivety andmay try to take advantage of a foreigner. I don’t think Toy does, but I must accept that some Thai wives see their husbands as walking ATMs.
However, many Thais are aware that some foreigners, particularly those who are fluent in Thai, are quite astute and are au fait with how Thais do things. They can understand what the Thai is saying and comprehend some of the aspects of Thainess that Thais would prefer them not to contemplate.

I remember an example that often quoted about his friend, Janet.

Janet, who speaks fluent Thai, was in a car with her friend when it hit a motorcyclist who had come out of a soi without paying attention. It had crossed the lane in which she was driving to get to the other side of the road.

Janet’s friend swerved to avoid him but clipped the rear end of his bike. It was plainly the biker’s fault. He did not have right of way. His bike was straddled across the carriageway. Janet’s friend had not been speeding and had done all she could to avoid the collision.

But he was Thai.

When the police arrived on the scene they drew chalk marks around the positions of the car and bike. They took statements. The biker had no money with him. He may well have been uninsured and with no means of repairing his bike out of his own pocket.

His bike was badly damaged. The car had only minor scratches and some chips in the paintwork. 

“You pay”, were the only words the officer spoke when he went over to Janet’s expat friend. Having to pay when not at fault is not only for farang. Well-off Thais have to do the same; they would usually volunteer a payment. Not to do so would mean losing face.

With the motorcyclist, it then became a question of how much to settle for.

Janet, listening to the conversation, knew that the rider was suggesting twice the normal rate because the accident involved a farang. She negotiated the price downwards.

Do Some Thais Dislike Foreigners Who Can Speak Thai?

It makes the point that Thais do not like those farangs who, usually because they speak the language, know what is going on, and cannot be easily fobbed off.

They refer to them as khun roo reuang (literally, someone who knows the story).They refer to them as khun roo reuang (literally, someone who knows the story.) We would probably say of such a person, “there are no flies on him, he is streetwise,” someone who knows too much about what is going on.

Janet’s friend paid the Thai price, but both the officer and the rider would have preferred to deal with a more naive foreigner—not a khun roo reuang.

Losing Face Is Always Present In Thailand

I had an internet problem and the technician wanted 3000 baht to replace some wiring. I did what a Thai would do; I asked to see the wire he took out. He could not show me. He had not replaced the wire at all.

I intended not to pay the full amount; Toy said we would have to pay it, otherwise we would lose face and appear mean and stingy. He would lose face for having been caught out. Paying would be better for both parties, she said. The solution would be not to use him again.

This concept of face just wouldn’t occur in the West. I accept it now as a cultural quirk. Though I admit I do not fully follow the logic.

We paid, but looking back, I should have given the Thai what would have been a fair Thai price, not the farang price he was asking for.

If a taxi driver or motorbike taxi takes you to the wrong place, you need to pay the fare. He may have misunderstood you but he has spent time and fuel getting you there. And he has lost Face. That is the Thai reasoning and applies to both Thai and foreign customers.

I recall Nolan, a Swiss guy who always dressed in Lanna costume, telling me that Thais do not think like us. It was an obvious comment, rather a throw away line. I thought nothing of it at the time. On reflection, I think he is right.

Westerners can get serious over even minor issues. Nothing is, in reality, that serious to the Thai mind. Mai pen rai overrides most of their actions.

Have You Seen The Tangle of Electric Cabling On Thai Streets?

Electricity is different in Thailand!” That comment came from a Thai electrician—and he genuinely believed it. Apart from some western occupied houses, homes are not earthedin this country.

Justifying an action as being right is an attribute that you will notice frequently in your relationships with a Thai.

Perhaps they are impervious to doubt—or perhaps they like making up a story and embellishing the facts just to rationalise what they do.

The best way forward is to speak calmly and politely—not rush in by arguing—and be as persuasive and complimentary as you can.

Asking, “Do you think doing it this way is better?” would be the Thai way to get around their trying not to carry out an electrical job the way you want it done. Most definitely, do not raise your voice or get angry.

In businesses, Thai managers have a slight lead over the farang manager. As they are Thai, their workers automatically give them respect. They have higher status and the worker cannot easily question an instruction. The farang does not have that benefit. It is harder for him.

The best way forward is to speak calmly and politely, not rush in by arguing, and be as persuasive and complimentary as you can. That is what Nolan suggested. Perhaps I should listen to advice like that.

Karma (Or Gamma as Thais Pronouce It)

Thais have a stronger belief in Karma, the law of cause and effect, than we have.

Your harmful thoughts, ideas, and actions will come back to haunt you. Your good and bad deeds in this life and in your previous lives will determine how you are reborn. As you sow, so shall you reap – though in Thailand the harvest may come in a future life.

Retribution for what you do will get back to you. Not now, but certainly in the future. Yes, Nolan had given many examples showing they don’t think like us.

I think we need to get on their wavelength—without completely throwing away our own Western standards, principles, and ways of thinking. Finding the right balance is essential.

Louis has found that balance.

He was looking for someone who would care for him as he got older and with whom he could share his life. His wife’s goal was to find a farang. It is a key reason why Thai women choose foreigners.

As I said before, Toy said she had had a bad experience with a Thai man. The reason she had been on an English language internet site in the first place was to chat and date with a farang with a more caring attitude and more money. (I wish!)

Louis is Belgian. Mem, his Thai wife, is a retired teacher. They have an understanding in their relationship. They live happily together. He provides her with the security she needs; she provides the care and love he needs as he gets older.

He knows she will continue to look after him when he gets less mobile or ill.

Thais are very family oriented. They look after their relatives. Old folks’ homes are abhorrent to them. Caring comes naturally to a Thai; it is built into their thinking.

Louis and Mem met in Belgium. He accepted that her purpose in marrying him was to ensure her own future—not to find the most handsome man on earth.Louis and Mem met in Belgium.

To thine own self, be true.

Chiangmai’s Flirtatious Freelancers

“Hey, handsome man!” It’s a greeting I hear often enough on the sois of Chiangmai. Whether it’s flattery or farce, I’ve stopped trying to work it out.

Some of my friends still think they were chosen for their physique. I’d suggest a quiet moment of reflection. There’s more to life than letting your tool rather than your brain rule your judgment.

A little honesty with oneself wouldn’t go amiss. To thine own self be true.

I’ve asked myself, more than once, whether Toy would have married me if I’d not been a reasonably well-off bank manager.

But the thought soon leaves my mind and I reflect on how much my Thai goddess and I are happy together.

Every time I see Louis and Mem, they appear in high spirits and contented. They both know the score. They both understand why they married and the benefits they both get from the relationship.

Teaching in Thailand

I introduced Daniel and Emily to some of the teachers in Toy’s school and they became interested in helping out in the English infant classes. The school organised some positions for them in other schools with which they have contact.

They visit Thailand every year for an extended holiday, staying in guesthouses. They like to get involved with the locals and doing some teaching in between visits to various attractions fits in well with their holiday plans.

I think teaching at that level can be very beneficial for the pupils. Technically, work permits are required, but blind eyes are turned as they are providing a useful service.

In senior classes, the Thai authorities should be looking at using better-qualified teachers rather than allowing backpackers and retirees into the classroom.

Toy sometimes stays in school for lunch instead of returning home for a meal we can share together. Today, as she did not come home and as I did not feel hungry, I poured myself a few drinks to while away the afternoon. I often have a liquid lunch nowadays.

Two friends came round and we sat down to have a few beers and talk about some of the expats they know and how they are handling life in Thailand.

Nolan and Daniel get about much more than I do. They meet more people and give the impression they understand Thainess better than I do.

Some expats observe quietly. Others move through Thai life with ease and curiosity. In the next section, we meet Alex—and a few more farangs whose stories reveal what happens when impressions meet reality.