Matt Owens Rees

Part 7 of 14 in the Behind the Bamboo Curtain series on Derek’s Escape to Thailand.

With the exception of breakfast, we seldom had a meal at home, as Toy preferred to go out for meals.

Before she met me, it would have been at a roadside stall .This is where most Thais eat and the staple food is either boiled rice, fried rice, or noodles.

Green vegetables are often served free as a side dish together with a weak soup made from the boiling water used to cook the meat dish.

Chicken and pork are the favourites but you only get a few slices on top of your rice. A far cry from the “meat and two veg” I had come to expect in England.

Ordinary Thais Eat All Day Long

Thais eat several times in a day. No problem for them as from very early morning there are always food shops open by the side of the road and in all the markets.

If they feel peckish after an hour or so, they’ll stop and have another snack. Often parking on a blind corner when they spot a roadside eatery.

After being with me, though, Toy acquired a fondness for the more up-market Thai restaurants where there was a greater variety of meats and fish on offer.

Often the meals were plated for each individual – western style – instead of bowls being placed in the middle of the table for everyone to share and serve themselves.

I was used to the western style of dining and appreciated being in an air-conditioned room with opulent surroundings.

But, it was Toy that made the move to that way of eating even though she had never grown up in it.

Many Thais, usually when they are with farangs, prefer to be seen in what some may regard as “hi-so” establishments.

Apart from the appeal of a wider choice of food, they do not represent good value for money and the meals are nowhere near as delicious in my view.

My choice was invariably the cheaper local eateries but Toy disliked them.

Meeting Other Expats

I did, however, meet some other expats at the up-market restaurants and cafés that we frequented. It was comforting to have a conversation in English occasionally.

My Thai had not got any better and I knew I would never be able to master the language or get by in it. I relied on Thais being able to understand my English or on Toy doing all the translating for me.

Initially, I was annoyed with myself for not making a serious attempt to learn Thai and talk with the locals in their own language.

But, on speaking with other expats, I learnt that they had not bothered to learn Thai and were relying on their wives and partners in communicating with other Thais.

If these expats could survive here without knowing the language, I saw no reason why I could not do so.

Would that result in my not fully fitting in? At the time, I was convinced not.

Even many of those that had been determined to get to grips with the language of the country they were now permanently living in had given up after a few months.

Thai is not an easy Language to Learn

Thai is a tonal language and how you pronounce a word can alter its meaning. Ma, pronounced in different ways, can mean horse, dog, and come. Kao has four meanings: fishy, news, rice, and white.

Those words are written differently in Thai script and that makes them easier to distinguish and is a good guide on how to correctly pronounce the word.

However, that is only useful to the foreigner who is learning the language.

Most expats can’t read Thai script and have to rely on the anglicised transliteration systems which exist. They are written using the English (Romanised) alphabet.

They never enable you to get the tone right when speaking.

Few signs are in transliteration anyway, most are in Thai script. Outside the tourist areas, you’ll never see the English alphabet.

There is no single official way for a Thai word to be written using the English alphabet.

It’s confusing, for example, for the foreigner to see place names on road signs spelt differently all the time. The town of Sarapi can be written Sarapi, Sarapii, or Sarapee. In Thai script, of course, there is only one spelling.

I Tried Joining a Local Expats Club

I decided to visit the Chiangmai club to widen the number of English-speaking people I knew. I was conscious that almost all my acquaintances so far were Toy’s work mates.

It would, I thought, be vital for me to have a wider social circle to include both Thai and farang friends.

The clubby set-up did not appeal to me one bit. There seemed to be a little bitchiness against Thais in general, always finding fault and criticising at every opportunity.

In addition, there was always some expat hovering around trying to rent you a condominium or sell you insurance.

I felt uneasy and knew that that was not for me. I wanted to integrate and have a mix of Thai and foreign friends, but not in such an artificial commercial environment.

If I settled here, I would have to work on integrating and not just meet with Toy’s acquaintances.

I was sure she would help me fit in when, with a bit of luck, I was able to make my escape to the land of my dreams.

I was Falling in Love with Toy

She had showed she wanted to care for me and was clearly motivated to our becoming a happy family together.

Just me, Toy, and Kanya. As Kanya had said in an earlier post in Beyond the Bamboo Curtain, she wanted me as a husband for her mother, and a father for her.

Being secure is key to a Thai’s thinking.

There is no welfare state and the class system, the feudal-like hierarchy, can be tough for some if they are not born in the right family or do not have the right connections.

Most Thais are content with their lot, unable to change their position in life. They seek security and stability in the family group and in the community.

Hence the reason, I suppose, for lots of Thai women to frequent the internet dating sites where they can meet foreigners.

Do You Think Thailand is a Meritocracy?

The kingdom is a money society and upward mobility is achieved more by paying cash under the table and having influential contacts than by any form of meritocracy.

Opportunities are not readily available for Thais, however ambitious they may be. I could see why so many choose to have a relationship with a farang.

It secured a better standard of living and a guaranteed financial future.

Returning Home

I left Thailand the day after New Year’s Day, having enjoyed immensely a western style dinner and dance in one of Chiangmai’s hotels.

There were many expats there and I soaked up the western atmosphere. It is strange how you yearn to have contact with English speakers. They have a different sense of humour from the Thais and I felt more in tune with them.

I don’t know anything about Thai humour but they are always smiling so it must exist. Toy is always quiet at these functions. She is more outgoing with Thais but only those within her own social circle.

Like all Thais, she has a perception of who are her equals and who are not.

Knowing your place is an accepted feature of Thainess and its rules of class and hierarchy.

Another Way Toy Has Changed

Sometimes though, I considered Toy was looking down on others in a way that is foreign to me and I get a little uneasy when she does it.

It’s a minor point, I suppose.

In making friends with Thais, the onus is always on the foreigner to make the first move. Thais will smile but will not be over familiar when you first meet. There is some caution in their attitude towards the farang.

Expats who speak some Thai and go along with the culture fare better on making real friends. Sometimes I worry if not integrating properly, not speaking some Thai, not always understanding their way of doing things, could be a setback.

But I have Toy to smooth the way for me. I’m always meeting people through her.

If ever I were hospitalised, it would not be easy to explain my symptoms or pains. Being in a totally Thai environment when ill may be a tense experience, not conducive to recovery, and mentally taxing.

Some nurses speak a little English and all are, I am sure, very caring, but only hearing Thai most of the time and only having Thai food would not make me feel too comfortable.

I’m happy with Toy and Thailand, but I am an Englishman at heart and like things the English way.

Restaurants with a Farang Clientele

The meal at the hotel was expensive but of high quality and the wide range of Thai and western dishes meant that both Toy and I could eat exactly what we wanted.

Meals over the festive season seldom offer value for money anywhere in the world.

Here in Thailand, it is an opportunity for restaurateurs, Thai and farang, to make a real killing as they can pay their staff their normal wages, holiday premiums not applying in this country even on New Year’s Eve.

Low labour costs do not translate into lower prices in those places.

The average wage in Chiangmai is 400 baht a day. In England, it’s £97, that’s over nine times higher!

Goods may appear sound bargains for tourists and expats on a western income. They appear expensive to a Thai. If selling to a farang, a Thai businessman may think his boat has just come in.

Thai Profit Margins

The margins on new house builds and on car sales are significantly higher than in the UK or the States.

Because they know they can get away with charging more to foreigners, Thai businessmen often put the price up to a western equivalent or higher.

Back to Work at the Bank

I went back to work the day after I arrived back in Blighty and was pretty tired by the time I got home in the evening. I envy people who seem to have no problems with jet lag.

The mood in the office was cold and unpleasant. Everyone appeared to be watching their backs for the next episode of whatever management game was coming next and the extra workload that inevitably followed.

The completion documents on the house were going to be signed on Tuesday so I arranged to take the afternoon off. “That’s very inconvenient,” I was told.

I was taking it as a half day of my holiday entitlement and surely a few hours to sign legal documents on the sale of one’s own house was normal practice. They thought they were being reasonable. I did not.

All went well at the solicitor’s though the ex and I neither spoke to each other nor had eye contact. You could cut the atmosphere with a knife.

In Thailand, there would have been smiles all-round, even if they were not genuine smiles of happiness.

Talking to the Wife

We did manage to speak to each other a little over the weekend. I had already worked out what I would keep and what I would discard from my possessions in the granny annex.

The ex and I walked around the house to decide what we would each take from the main house and arrange for the rest to be taken to the local recycling centre.

It’s amazing what you collect, but never use and do not really need, over some sixteen years of marriage. Old fashioned cd and record players. The spare washing machine in the outhouse that we never used.

Some of my gardening and do it yourself tools could be sold to the buyer of our house or sold through an advert in the local newspaper.

We would split the proceeds, she said. I saw only a fraction of that money.

She wanted to keep the stamp collection that we had built up together “for sentimental reasons”. It was not valuable, just new issue English stamps and those we bought from our holidays abroad or given to us by friends.

I used to look at the albums occasionally. She never did. But, if she wanted them, I was not prepared to argue. She could have them.

I hired a truck for the next day and we went to the council yard together. I handled the heavier stuff and she carried the lighter bundles to the various skips.

One of the first things to go was her “sentimental” stamp collection.

When I got home, I buried my head in my hands and cried. I could not understand why she could be so heartless and cruel.

I went on the internet and sent an email to Toy. I did not mention what had happened but it cheered me up to be able to write a few words to her. Toy was fast becoming my anchor. And I think she knew it.

Summoned to my Boss’s Office

Got to the bank on the Tuesday morning and was called in to the boss’s office before I had a chance to take my coat off and sit down.


One of my workmates suggested I put some padding in the back of my trousers. “You are being called into the headmaster’s study, Derek,” he told me. I grinned widely.

I was told that the bank was taking a serious view of my taking a few hours off work. I asked if this was a change of policy, that the number of days’ holiday I was allowed was no longer being honoured.

No answer. The tirade went on. He did all the talking from then on.

I was spending more time in Thailand or on the sick list than I spent working in the bank, he said.

I had indeed spent a great deal of time in Thailand but I was only using my agreed holiday entitlement. If that was more generous than in other industries, then so be it.

And yes, I had been off work for months. Again, not my fault. I did not think I owed my employer any favours.

The bank was continually downsizing. The technique habitually used was to find fault with one’s work until you gave up and left of your own accord. It was standard practice. The strain gets to you in the end.

This went on for a full hour. I had had enough. You can take my one-month’s notice, I said. There is still some holiday due to me so I will leave in three weeks time.

Until then, I will do my job but do not put other work on my desk. It won’t get done. I’ll do what I’m paid to do. I turned and walked out.

I never spoke or saw my boss again. The relief was overwhelming. I felt as if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Difficult to explain how happy and stress-free I felt.

I would work out my notice, get my ticket sorted out for Thailand, and in less than one month, I would be with Toy. I had nowhere else to go anyway. The completion date was fixed. I would have to get out.

I had no leaving party and just got up and left on my last day. A smile, a quick “cheerio” and I was away. My flight was in two days’ time.

I had kept Toy informed of my travel arrangements and what was happening with the house, though I spared her the more unpleasant details of what had been going on.

I don’t think she would have comprehended how western people can act in such circumstances. She would not have believed a word of what I said if I had told her.

I did have a strange sense of leaving everything behind. All I had worked for. The house and garden. Would I miss my friends? Many I had not seen lately.

I had spent a lot of time in Thailand and when you are divorced you suddenly aren’t invited out to social functions as much.

What I Miss about England

It was only much later that I would realise that some of what we take for granted in England does not exist in Thailand.

Thais are not great book lovers and there are few libraries in Thailand. I think they are mainly in Bangkok and the universities.

I missed popping down the pub and having a chat and a joke with the locals.

The concepts of equality and democracy are different here. Following regulations and keeping to the law is not something Thais generally observe.

When you have left permanently you appreciate what you had before.

I had booked the taxi to the airport for 10 in the morning and arranged to see Michael to say my goodbye before it arrived.

Just before 9.30, my ex-wife drove out of the drive with my son in the front seat.

They had disappeared into the distance by the time I ran outside to try to stop them.

The taxi was on time. I got in. I never looked back.

I Had Burnt My Boats

It was a strange feeling arriving in Thailand without a return ticket in my pocket. I felt I had escaped and could no longer return. That I had burnt my boats. That I had made a decision I could not now change.

Would I see Michael again? Would we be able to keep in touch?

I felt like I was starting out on a new adventure and that I was losing my old life. I was relieved about that but I did not want to lose Michael. That part I wanted to keep.