Matt Owens Rees

In case you missed it, this is an earlier part of Derek’s story. In his own words and style. There are twists, turns, and confusions.

You may notice that the narrative sometimes oddly flips from topic to topic. These are not editorial errors. That’s exactly how Derek spoke. It says much about his ego, lack of confidence, playful nature, his lack of confidence, and his character.



Read on to discover what really happened. What does this tell you about foreigners chasing their dreams in Thailand. Let me know in the Comment Section.

The First Words I Heard My Thai Goddess Speak


“Dee rick, Dee rick.” I turned round and saw for the first time the woman who had enthralled me on the internet. The Thai way of pronouncing Derek was the sweetest sound I had ever heard.

Well worth traveling 6000 miles to hear. Her tight jeans concealed a slim waist and her hips swayed naturally with every small step she took towards me.

Her long black hair cascading over her shoulders, framing her high cheek boned face.

Dark piercing eyes and an open smile showing bright white teeth. I was filled with passion as she lowered her head and brought her hands up to her face in the traditional Thai greeting, the wai. 

“Sawatdee Ka, Dee rick. Welcome to Chiangmai.”

“Good to see you, Toy. I was worried when I first arrived and could not see you. I had been directed to the other arrivals lounge.” 

I could not take my eyes off this Thai goddess or the young lady in a white blouse and blue skirt who was accompanying her. Kanya smiled happily as she stood behind her mother.

Thailand has 2 Temperatures: Hot and Bloody Hot

We walked out into the open furnace that is the Thai summer and towards the car park.

Her dark green, rather battered, car had been left in the sun and was even hotter than the outside temperature.

The air-conditioning was set at full power and Toy ensured all the air vents were aimed in my direction.

Sitting in the car on the way to my hotel, I learnt a few unusual features of Thai driving. Toy, indicating left, slowed slightly on approaching a red light but did not stop.

She ignored the signal – in fact, she didn’t even look to her right – and turned left in the direction she wanted to go. What on earth was she doing? It petrified me.

She then explained that at most, though not all, lights you can filter left when on red provided that it is safe to do so. However, you need to watch for motorcyclists coming towards you on the wrong side of the road when you filter.


Taken to my Hotel

As we pulled into the Phucome Hotel, two bellboys rushed out and took my luggage to reception, while I, the weary farang (the term used by Thais for white foreigners), followed mother and daughter into the foyer.

Although some Thais can sometimes use it discourteously, visitors should not react with anger if they are called farang.

In western countries, it is rude and bad practice to use the word foreigner when speaking of a visitor or guest. Here, it is normally regarded as acceptable and no offence is intended. Even though the word for foreigner in Thai is kon tangchat, it is virtually never used.

Chinese are referred to as kon cheen (or chek, though that is certainly rude). Khaek is the word used for foreigners wearing turbans.

Even a nationalised Thai who is a member of a hill-tribe and has a Thai ID will usually be called chao Thai poo kao (Thai people from the hills) or simply chao kao.

The Thai use of words other than kon tangchat to describe people they see as not fully Thai does not have the same insulting undertone as in the West.

That said, the hill tribe people are sensitive about being called chao kao and a Thai would avoid using the term in their presence.

After a few more wais from the staff, I signed in and my passport was checked and photocopied a few times. Toy was handed the keys and we went upstairs.

I Was Almost Falling Asleep

The excitement, the journey, and the heat were now beginning to sap whatever energy I had left. Toy opened the door to my third floor room and we went in.

Despite it being just ten in the morning, all I could think of was lying on the bed and getting a good rest. Toy must have understood this and suggested that I have a relaxing shower followed by some sleep.

She and Kanya would return later. Toy turned on the air conditioning and, after my shower; I crashed out on the bed.

I awoke a few hours later, got dressed, and began to unpack. Toy had asked for a room at the back of the hotel to avoid the noise of the main road in the front.

My room faced the mountains and I had imposing views from both my windows.

Looking Around the Busy Streets

By leaning out a little, I could see the golden buildings of Doi Suthep, the temple I first saw as I flew into Chiangmai.

Looking down on the streets below, I could see people busy with their daily lives. Women hanging their washing out to dry on their balconies.

Tall modern buildings and old wooden shacks with tin roofs nestled closely together.

I found it amusing that some homes had a garden watering system set up on the roof, and jets of water could be seen like falling rain on the rusting corrugated roofs. A practical attempt to cool the rooms beneath.

Watching TV while Waiting for Toy

Toy arrived a few hours later while I was watching a TV program on King Bhumibol’s visit to a hill-tribe project some years ago.

I understood nothing of what was being said; but could appreciate, from watching the film, just how much the people were grateful for his involvement in their lives.

On the journey to the hotel, I had noticed car stickers with the words “Kao rak nai luang” (We love our King) on the rear windows. This film reinforced the truth of how well loved the monarchy is in Thailand.

Feeding Time

It was lunchtime and I was hungry. Toy and Kanya decided it was time for me to experience my first taste of Thai food. 

Toy told me what to eat and what not to eat, and they both laughed at my poor attempts at using chopsticks to eat my noodles. 

Toy called the waiter over and asked him to give me a spoon and fork. That was much easier. Thais use chopsticks for noodles but a spoon and fork for other meals.

Food is already in mouth-sized portions so knives are not necessary. I’ve never been happy using bits of wood to eat my food anyway.

Laughing All the Time

We returned to the hotel laughing and joking as I practiced my ten-word Thai vocabulary on passers-by.

I gave Toy and Kanya the gifts I had brought over from England. We laughed again as we realised they were all made in China.

It was three o’clock in the afternoon and we decided to stroll around the sois (alleyways) around the hotel.

I was spellbound by the hustle and bustle of the markets and the people eating by the side of the road. Everyone was smiling. I find it difficult to describe the laid-back and happy atmosphere that was everywhere around me.

Brothels

Only later did I appreciate that some of the small doorways through which the occasional Thai man was furtively entering were the discrete entrances to small brothels.

Not then and not now did Toy ever mention this side of Thai life.

Maybe embarrassed by it, though it was silly not to draw my attention to the extent Thais use prostitutes. Why pretend it did not exist in Thai culture?

I was up unusually early the next day and, armed with my breakfast tokens, went down to the hotel dining room to be greeted by hotel staff dressed in colourful silk outfits that clung sexily to their bodies.

The girls as “drop dead gorgeous” as the cabin staff on the plane coming over.

It was about seven in the morning and I was faced with a wide selection of food ranging from curry, spring rolls, fried fish, squid, to the more comforting sight, at least for my stomach, of fried eggs, bacon, and toast.

There were also high piles of fresh fruits such as watermelon, pineapple, and oranges. There were many others that I did not even recognise.

They all looked enticing and mouth-watering. I tried a few. Oh yes, very tasty.

Watching Thai Drivers and Motor Cyclists

Toy had arranged to meet with me at 10am so I had plenty of time to look around the area. The morning rush hour was well underway with motor bikes jockeying for position in front of the many cars and trucks waiting at the traffic lights.

Drivers not wearing seat belts. Motorcyclists, without crash helmets, turning corners or making U-turns without signaling. It was par for the course in Thailand, where driving regulations are not strictly enforced.

This was very much to do with the Thai concept of avoiding conflict and taking a more hassle-free approach to life. (Mai Pen Rai in Thai).

Police may ask for some cash to cover a traffic infringement but will seldom take any further action or give you a ticket or a summons to court. No need for so much conflict.

One hand on the handlebar, one hand clutching a mobile phone. A great way to have a conversation while riding.

Holding an umbrella or a school textbook over your head to avoid the heat of the sun while riding pillion.

Any problem with your female passenger, sitting sidesaddle on the back, drinking an iced coffee with one hand and combing her hair with the other?

It is a little dangerous but the Thais never seem to fall off. The riders don’t worry; the police don’t worry. Tourists look on in amazement.

Life is easier and less stressful if small infractions are disregarded.

A Thai driver will sound his horn to warn of his presence. It is common practice. But several loud blasts are totally unacceptable and such anger is not tolerated.

Thais dislike confrontation in any form, preferring a tranquil and quiet life.

Soaking in the Atmosphere

I walked around in no particular direction and was quite at ease just soaking in the mood of the soi people.

Street vendors were cooking various meats. The aromas of herbs and spices filled the air. I was no longer hungry after my breakfast, but I was a little tempted by the food I saw on offer.

The stalls were all close together and the passageways narrow.

As a six-foot Westerner, I was having difficulties avoiding the low-hung shelters and umbrellas that protected the stallholders from the heat of the day.

In a few hours, these colorful sunshades would be very welcome.

It was still just eight in the morning so I sat myself down at a stall on the side of the road and sipped a drink of iced coffee while watching the world go by.

I was enjoying every minute of my first experience of Thai life.

Street Food in Thailand

It is sadly going out of fashion now, particularly in the touristy westernised areas and hi-so restaurants; but the Thai custom was always to offer water with every meal.

Sitting at a roadside stall, you will be offered a glass of water by the seller. Alternatively, you will be able to help yourself from the water cooler and ice bucket.

You pay for the food but the water is complimentary.

Eateries owned by expats, (tecnically they are owned by the farang’s wife or girlfriend. The expat can’t own irectly in his name), are expensive and tend to sell bottled water rather than follow the Thai custom.

They get away with it because they have a captive clientele of English speakers.

As in all tourist destinations, avoid restaurants where the menus are in English and the customers are not made up of locals. I find the most authentic Thai food is better and cheaper at roadside stalls than in posher restaurants.

I Was Taking a Lot of Showers

I returned to my hotel room and took yet another shower. It was taking time to acclimatise.

Before going downstairs to meet Toy, I put on fresh clothes. At this rate, I would run out of newly laundered clothes by the weekend, just two days away.

I waited in the relative coolness of the hotel lobby for Toy to arrive. Sitting on a wooden teak chair made to take the weight of an elephant, I picked up some brochures and travel guides to read.

I continued browsing as yet another glass of iced water was put in front of me by a waitress in the local Lanna costume.

Always getting on her knees in front of me before offering a drink on a small tray decorated with a fresh lotus flower.

Walking sexily away after the customary Thai smile and wai.

Where Was Toy

The clock chimed ten and thereafter every quarter of an hour. No sign of Toy. Having drunk nearly eight glasses of water, I had to visit the toilet.

I returned to my seat watching the guests arriving and leaving through the entrance of the hotel. Toy arrived a little after eleven o’clock.

I was learning something else about Thailand. Appointment times can be approximate. Punctuality does not matter. Mai pen rai. The Mexicans have the concept of mañana, meaning that time is not important.

The Thais too identify with this idea, but without the same sense of urgency!

Friends, acquaintances, and even tradesmen may say they are coming tomorrow; when they actually mean some time in the future, if at all.

Thai women take great pride in their appearance and Toy was no exception.

I had noticed earlier in the morning how Thai girls rode their motorcycles with their backs up straight; their pillion passenger gracefully balanced sidesaddle on the back.

They don’t lose their poise even when the rider is careering round bends. Riding pillion is an art form.

You can identify foreign tourists who have hired a bike for the first time. The rider is arched over the handlebars, his back is curved, and his passenger is hugging tightly around his waist.

Touching is a delicate question with the Thais.

Women must never brush up against or touch a monk. If handing a gift or some food to a monk, she must first place it on a cloth, remove her hand, and allow him to slide the cloth towards him so that he can take the offering.

If sitting on a bus with a vacant seat next to her, she should move or swap seats with a man to allow him to sit down and not be next to a woman.

While walking with Toy, I noticed that couples were not holding each other’s hands in public as they would in the West. Touching a young child in a friendly way is acceptable but is probably best avoided.

Certainly never touch a person’s head. It is regarded as a sacred part of the body.

In Thailand, the foot is regarded as the lowest and dirtiest part of the body and the head the highest. When Thais sit on the ground, they always point their feet away from others, tucked to the side or behind them.

Pointing at or touching something with the foot is considered unacceptable and inappropriate in their culture.

A younger person, usually female, may well take your hand when crossing a road if they know you well, though even that is not that common.

The best tip is to watch how Thais make contact with one another. It is not generally a “touchy, feely society.” Thailand is actually a rather conservative country.

Visiting Chiangmai’s Attractions

Toy and I spent the day together visiting some of the sights in the centre of Chiangmai.

I was learning about Thailand but, more importantly, I was getting to know this lady, who, unlike all the other couples around us, was holding my hand tightly in hers as we went from one tourist attraction to another.

There were temples wherever you looked. Each one had something special to offer the visitor. Whether walking the streets, riding in tuk tuks, or as pillion passengers on motor cycles, monks in their saffron robes could be seen everywhere.

I Wanted More Time With My New-found Internet Friend

Over dinner, Toy asked me if I wanted to visit her school the next day. It was an invitation that I accepted gladly as I knew my time in Thailand was limited and I wanted to be with her for as long as possible.

It was almost midnight when we returned to the hotel foyer to say goodnight. She told me she would return soon.

For the first time in years, I felt myself full of happiness and totally at ease with life. I virtually floated back to my room, knowing Toy would come back in the morning. She was beginning to take control of my life.

A Thai Thief

I’d crammed a lot into my first five days in Thailand. The heat, the noise, the smiles—it was all a bit much. I was puzzled, maybe even confused, by the differences between Thai and Western ways.

Everyone smiled. Constantly.

They smiled when there was nothing to smile about. They smiled when they hit a problem and simply walked away. I’d seen smiles on the faces of patients gravely ill in hospital. Even mourners at funerals didn’t suppress their smiles when greeting me.

It was hard to understand.

Richard had warned me in one of his emails. “Thais will tell you what they think you want to hear,” he said. “Not what’s true. Just what’s polite.”

Was I Suffering From Culture Shock?

Not only could it be misleading—it was a surprise to the system. Culture shock, they call it. But that sounds too clinical. You can become tired and a little uneasy from the frustrations these cultural differences cause.

Toy tried to give explanations, but I think she was anxious not to be seen as critical of the Thais. Not that I would have taken it as a condemnation of people. I just wanted to know.

I drank some holy water at a temple once because she didn’t explain the significance of the water rite to me.

You should slowly pour half the holy water into a tiny urn during the first part of the ceremony to pass merit to the deceased. You pour the rest later to gain merit for yourself.

I’ve Never Liked Flying

Jet lag must have been catching up with me. It was 9am and I felt dead tired.

Toy must have been reading my mind when she came out of the shower, telling me to rest a little longer and she would return later.

I stayed in bed as she kissed my forehead and left the room promising to come back soon.

Thai women are not usually so demonstrative. They certainly wouldn’t kiss their Thai boyfriend or husband when saying goodbye. Even in private.

I’d Been Burgled

I must have slumbered for an hour or two and it was the hunger pains that persuaded me to get up. I opened the wardrobe doors and, to my horror, found that my suitcase was missing.

Almost all my clothes had gone. I was left with only one shirt and a pair of slacks. I had been burgled.

Staff would not question someone in a hotel walking around wheeling a suitcase, would they?

I checked the bedside drawer. My wallet, air ticket, and passport were inside untouched. No money had been taken. The souvenirs I had bought were still on the table. Only my case of clothes was missing.

I got dressed and went down to reception to report the theft.

After a late breakfast, I stayed in the hotel. There would be no point venturing out to continue my exploration of the neighbourhood as I had no fresh clothes.

I switched on the TV, hoping that this might take my mind off my predicament.

The door opened and there was Toy, my suitcase in her hand. Had the hotel staff found it and handed it to her to bring it up to me?

With a disarming smile, she told me that she had returned to my room when I was sleeping, taken all the clothes away—including hers—washed them, and put them out to dry.

Toy’s English Always Made Me Laugh

“I sign off school now. I get ironing done. Rest of day be us.”

There were more of Toy’s clothes than mine. I laughed out loud. Nothing changes when it comes to sharing your wardrobe with a woman.

The old iron she was using kept cutting out. Taking the creases out of our clothes was going to be a slow process.

That day we spent some time just outside Chiangmai at a beautiful waterfall. Climbing up the rocks, I felt young and mischievous again, the cool spring water running over my feet.

I scooped some water in my hands and splashed it over the Thai companion who stood below me.

We were both laughing like a couple of young children, playing together without any worries about getting their clothes soaking wet.

There were young Thai couples around us who were laughing at how we were enjoying ourselves.

However, they seemed more staid and inhibited, not wanting to show their emotions in public. That is a noticeable trait in most Thais.

This was a lady I was slowly falling in love with, bewitched by her subtle charms and even subtler ways of getting me to do what she wanted.

However, I had a return ticket to the UK in my wallet, a job t to return to when I was fitter for work, and the problem of selling the house. I longed for a permanent relationship with Toy.

And she seemed to want me. For the moment, it seemed out of the question.

We dried ourselves as best we could and jumped in the car to do some more sightseeing.

The hot water springs, the wood carving village, and the umbrella village at Borsang—made famous by Princess Diana on her first visit to Thailand.

We saw the colourful umbrella they made in her honour. It is mentioned in the Guinness Book of Records as the largest umbrella ever made.

In the evening, we met up with Kanya and went shopping. I chose a moment when I was alone with Toy’s daughter to ask her what her mum would like for her birthday.

All she would say was “Tam jai Dee-rick. It’s up to you.”
I pointed to some clothes. “Tam jai Dee-rick.” There was some jewellery on display. “Tam jai Dee-rick.” A new telephone? “Tam jai Dee-rick.”

Although I had no idea what Toy might want, I remembered something else about the Thais that Richard had talked to me about.

They do not like to force their opinions on you and are reluctant to suggest what you should do.

That was all very well, but I really did want some suggestions. Nevertheless, that is not the Thai style. All I was getting was “up to you.”

A year later, an expat I had met at a local bar told me that saying “up to you” was their tactic of getting what they wanted. They would follow the comment with subtle, or perhaps not so subtle, hints.

Otherwise, they would get a friend to act as an intermediary to tell you what they actually wanted.

The next day, while Toy was out of the school’s staff room, I explained my plans for her fortieth birthday to two of her colleagues.

Mali agreed to get the cake; Pakpao was roped in to get balloons; and my task was to get in touch with Kanya. I swore her to secrecy. I wanted her mum’s party tomorrow to be a big surprise.

The next day, I was awake before Toy.

Without a sound, I put my birthday card on her pillow and a large parcel at the foot of our bed. The noise of the boiling kettle made Toy stir.

Wishing her a happy birthday as she opened her card and present, I waited for her reaction. Excitedly, she opened the box. A brand new steam iron. Not the most romantic of gifts, but at least she would be able to iron clothes quicker in the future!

I was told Thais will not open a gift in front of you. They will smile, thank you, and put it one side to open when they are alone. Westerners find that strange, even rude.

However, to Thais, they do not want to risk showing any disappointment in your choice of gift. They must preserve “face”.

Thais also do not want to impose on you directly or put you to any trouble. It’s called their concept of grengjai in Thai.

A shout came from the bathroom. The whole hotel would have heard it. “What this?”

I had tied a small bag to the showerhead. I told her to bring it out of the shower.

“Happy Birthday,” I said again. “Now open it.”
I think she saw now that this was her real present.

A gold necklace with a heart-shaped gem. She put it round her neck and moved to the mirror for a better view. Nobody had ever given her a gift like that before.

After breakfast, we made our way to school. Signing in as usual, Toy took her seat and started preparing her day. Toy’s daughter and her colleagues crept in from a rear door singing “Happy Birthday” as they walked towards her.

Toy proudly showed her friends the gold chain around her neck, commenting on how expensive it must have been.

Her co-workers then led her to another part of the staff room where they had decorated a desk with balloons and flowers. In one corner, they had lightheartedly put up a balloon shaped as a condom.

Thais love to make an occasion a fun event. Some parents and children had popped in, many bringing gifts of fruit. A feature of Thai lifestyle is that people join in at parties.

In the towns and cities, one often sees red balloons hung outside bars as a sign that some celebration or other is in progress. Passers-by regularly get involved and participate in the fun.

Thailand is an exceptionally “community” based society.
Thais live as part of their family and as part of their community. They don’t live as individuals as we tend to do in the West.

When children get their first job, they usually stay with mum and dad even after they get married. Possibly in a small house