Matt Owens Rees

Behind the Bamboo Curtain – Part 8 : You Are In My Country Now

From honeymoon haze to household budgets, Derek’s escape to Thailand takes a turn.

He’s no longer a visitor. He’s a resident—having to report to Immigration every 90 days, remembering to re-apply to stay in the kingdom every year, and dealing with other Thai bureaucratic oddities.

Derek could see how much Toy was making him feel at home. Yet it was only gradually dawning on him that, shaped by a different culture, her character held intricacies he hadn’t anticipated.

In this instalment:

Craft shops, sinsot, and a surprise wedding.

“You are in my country now,” Toy said.
Derek believed her. But did he understand her?

Have you ever felt at home in a place that wasn’t yours?
Let me know below—or just say hello. I read every comment.

Toy’s First Words

Toy’s first words to me when I arrived in Thailand were:
“You are in my country now.”

She said it with a smile. I was no longer a tourist. I was entering her world.

Being an Expat vs Being on Holiday

There’s a big difference between being on holiday and being an expat. You don’t notice the small things when you’re here for a few weeks. You’re too busy enjoying the food, the weather, and the smiles.

But when you live here, you start to see the cracks. The bureaucracy. The unpredictability. The way things don’t always work as expected.

I’m not complaining. I chose this life. But it’s not the same as being on holiday.

Did I Really Have Friends Here

I started to ask myself whether I really had friends here. Not just acquaintances or people I met through Toy—but actual friends.

Most of the people I knew were connected to Toy in some way. Her colleagues. Her relatives. Her neighbours.

I didn’t have my own circle. I didn’t speak Thai. I didn’t know how to find my own way into local life.

It’s something I need to think about. Maybe I’ve been too passive.

Eating Out Was Getting Expensive

We used to eat out all the time. It was cheap, convenient, and the food was good.

But prices were creeping up. And I started to realise just how quickly the costs were adding up.

Toy didn’t seem to worry. She said we should enjoy life. But I was beginning to think about the long term.

Medical bills. Emergencies. Retirement.

Eating out every night wasn’t sustainable.

Kanya Comes Round Every Day
Sometimes twice. Kanya doesn’t knock. She just walks in and starts chatting.

I don’t mind. She’s friendly enough. But I do wonder whether she sees our house as hers too.

Toy says it’s normal. That’s how things work here.

I’m still adjusting.

Chiangmai’s Street Markets and Craft Shops

I don’t tire of the craft shops. Maybe I will one day. For now, I find them very interesting. I’ve always been a great one for window-shopping.

In Thailand, of course, there ain’t no windows! Traders display all their wares in the open, only rushing to cover them when the skies darken and the refreshing rain comes.

When it does rain, you tend to get a good downpour—not a drizzle. It usually lasts only a quarter of an hour or so.
Having said that, I’m probably tempting fate. In a few moments, it’ll be pissing down!

My Honeymoon Period in Thailand

The smiles, the apparent happiness, and the contentment with life are part and parcel of every Thai’s existence.

Unless you’ve been here, it’s almost impossible to describe how the whole atmosphere of Thailand gets to you.

It’s easy to forget some of the realities of life here. I suppose I’m going through a honeymoon period with the country.

Toy tries to explain how we should live for today and not worry about tomorrow.

Living with Mai Pen Rai: Toy’s Way and Mine

This is the mai pen rai attitude that every Thai has. Whatever will be, will be. I can identify with that to some extent. It’s less traumatic, and it puts minor frustrations into perspective, I suppose.

Still, I prefer to plan for unexpected costs and try to budget accordingly. I have to consider medical expenses in a country with no welfare provision.

Yes, There Are Some Frustrations

I’ve got used to going along to an appointment and finding the office closed for the day. No warning. No apology.

You book a restaurant meal and they’re shut when you turn up. It doesn’t bother me as much as it used to, though I understand why some farangs just can’t hack it.

You have to be Thai to embrace this ‘it doesn’t matter’ view of life.

It doesn’t always work for me. I still get uptight from time to time, however much Toy says I shouldn’t.

Social Life in Thailand

We go to quite a lot of functions—weddings, school events, house-warmings, and ceremonies at the wat. It’s always amazed me how many people turn up in Thailand for such occasions.

They’re fundamentally social events for the whole community to join in—especially funerals. It’s a country where a friend of your friend becomes your friend too.

Thais will travel great distances to attend the funeral of someone they last met at school and only occasionally chat with on the phone.

I’m slowly finding more and more differences between how we do things in the West and how it happens here. Things are rarely what they seem.

I know I must try not to accept everything at face value.

How Toy and I Socialise in Thailand

We meet many people at these get-togethers. There’s always some distant connection with Toy. The last one we went to was for the wedding of the daughter of a friend of Toy’s boss. We’d never met her or her family.

Everyone had a great time, and we gave the usual cash envelope that’s traditional in Thailand.

A local dignitary gave the main speech. I think he was a former member of parliament. A Thai family will always try to find someone important for occasions like these. He doesn’t need to have any link with the family.

“We meet all sorts at these get-togethers—there’s always some distant link to Toy.”

Meeting a Thai General

At another wedding, a senior army chief was the guest of honour. He arrived flanked by armed guards, marched into the hall with full ceremony. But once inside, he was jovial and amusing—nothing like the stiff general everyone had expected.

He mingled easily with the guests, cracking jokes and sharing stories. You felt you were with a normal, friendly middle-class Thai. Not a powerful member of the elite not to be crossed.

His bodyguard and driver stepped outside for a smoke, and I got chatting with them about their high-security driver training.

I mentioned, in passing, that advanced drivers in the UK are taught to do “2-point turns” instead of the usual “3-point turns.” Although technically illegal, it shaves vital seconds in pursuit situations.

The two of them were intrigued. Since Thais rarely even attempt 3-point turns, they asked if they could practice in my car. I saw no harm in it. They made a complete mess of it.

I made a few polite excuses when they asked to try a 2-point turn.

Looking for a House

House hunting became a daily event for us—and I enjoyed it immensely. There were so many on offer, and the sales staff bent over backwards to show you around.

Glasses of water were refreshed as you walked around the moobaan (estate, project) from show house to show house. Young girls came rushing up with umbrellas when the sun got hot.

This show of caring kindness is so typical of the Thai. Not only is it endearing, but you get addicted to it. You begin to expect it all the time.

It’s usually genuine, though you sometimes wonder if the flirting is to impress the Westerner who they know has money. Maybe I’m reading too much into that.

The show houses are meticulous—swept several times a day, gardens carefully manicured, and the furniture on display instinctively makes you want to buy the property.

You won’t, of course, get the furniture if or when you buy.

And, as we found out later, you don’t get the same build quality in the house you actually purchase either.

Maybe potential buyers should wait to purchase the show house when the moobaan has reached the end of its selling programme.

We must have visited about twenty such estates developed by different companies before we found the location and size of house Toy wanted—and which I could afford.

We signed up with a new build some twenty kilometres from Chiangmai. It’s in a convenient location, and just small enough to feel like a real community.

How Thais Get Their Way with Foreigners

Thais can be very persuasive. Without arguing, they get their way by making repeated suggestions.

Toy may well be right about farangs always preferring to live in gated moobaans. Never having lived in an ordinary Thai village, I can’t really judge.

Only one of my expat friends lives in a village, and he seems to like it—probably easier for him to get to know his neighbours and join in village activities.

I tend to go along with Toy’s ideas. I don’t speak Thai, and outside her own social circle, I don’t know any Thais personally.

Perhaps I need to carve out a bit more space of my own—get out more and build a fresher circle of friends…

Our Typical Day

Toy works every day and sometimes has to do a “duty” day at weekends—usually once a month, when she supervises pupils at the boarding school.

Either she takes the car or I drop her off. As I’m home all day, I do my share of the household chores.

I don’t wear an apron all day long, but I’m proficient at loading and unloading washing machines—and my ironing skills are second to none.

Social Media

Facebook, YouTube, and the internet are godsends for the expat.

You can download a great deal from the UK BBC sites. It keeps you up to date with foreign news, and you can catch up with your favourite soaps or programmes.

I cycle to the front gate each morning to pick up my Bangkok Post—the English-language Thai newspaper that keeps expats in the loop.

And Now for a Big Surprise

My routine for the next few weeks will be different. I’ve made up my mind—I’m getting married to Toy.

She doesn’t want a formal wedding or party, though we’ll have some friends round after we sign all the registers at the amphur, the local government office.

It took just twenty minutes at the office. I’d prepared all my documentation in advance: passport, visa, permission to stay, and a letter from the British consul certifying I was free to marry.
Only a nominal charge from the Thai amphur.

The consulate’s fee was several thousand baht—and they made no checks. I just signed an affidavit. I had to go back twice to get the letter.

Behind the Bamboo Curtain. The 8th section of the 14-part series on Derek’s ‘Escape” to Thailand.

Toy’s first words were, “You are in my country now”. That gave me a sensation of security and made me less anxious. I was glad to be with Toy again and with someone that I could trust.

She had eased me in to Thai life before; she could do so again. I would not be alone.

The difference between being on holiday and being an expat

Why friendships through others aren’t always enough

The hidden costs of eating out every night

Kanya’s daily visits and the clash of cultures

It was the first time she had ever used those words. It was comforting and welcoming.

Later, I was to realise that I should have put a different interpretation on what she said, “You are in my country now”.

Being an Expat v Being on Holiday

Living here permanently is very unlike spending a few months here knowing you will be going back to your home country.

I caught myself thinking of the same things over and over again. On extended holidays, you have travel insurance to cover medical bills etc. As an expat, such insurance is either very expensive or has severe limitations of cover.

Hospitals and doctors are businesses in Thailand. No services are “free” as we would consider them in the West. In the UK of course, welfare systems are not really free.

We pay through taxes and national insurance contributions, and usually take out less than we put in over a working lifetime.

As a resident on a one-year renewable visa extension of stay, you are aware that the laws in Thailand can be less protective of your rights than in the West.

More than you would while on holiday, you notice corruption and how Thais are so class and status conscious

Did I Really Have Friends Here

I was pleased to meet Mali, Pakpao, and Weelai again. They always smiled and gave me a wai whenever they saw me. I was still a frequent visitor at the school.

I knew few other Thais and those I knew were really friends or associates of Toy. It dawned on me that I was not building up my own social group amongst the Thais. I was sort of integrating but only vicariously through Toy.

I was not making my own friends. Take Toy out of the equation and I would become the typical lonely farang having to rely on expat clubs and other places where foreigners congregate to meet and talk to people.

Eating Out Was Getting Expensive

We have most of our meals at restaurants rather than cooking at home.

That was okay when I was on holiday but, as a permanent arrangement, it was becoming expensive. More often than not, we ate with friends and I always took care of the tab.

In Thailand, it is the older or more senior person who pays. Custom or not, this was an outlay I could not afford on a regular basis. We tried to limit our evening excursions to just a few times a week and to do more home cooking.

I have always liked making my own meals, so that was no hardship. I was looking forward to experimenting with a few western recipes for Toy to try. She liked the occasional meal, but we still tended to eat out most evenings.

Thai food is inexpensive and I like most dishes so long as they are not too spicy. Some of the roadside stalls offer tasty and properly cooked food though there is not a great deal of variety.

For around 40 or 50 baht you can have a typical Thai meal with rice or noodles. Restaurants had more choice and always had air con and you could order a beer. Of course, more expensive. This was Toy’s usual choice for somewhere to eat.

I craved for the occasional McDonald’s and usually once a week we would eat at a western owned pub or restaurant.

At those pubs in the centre of Chiangmai, the Thai meals were a little more expensive than at Thai owned establishments and the western food was certainly dearer.

They were always crowded with farangs and their wives and girlfriends. With such a captive market, one could see how they could get away with higher prices.

Wholesale food costs, rent, energy charges, and labour are cheap in Thailand and these restaurants make better margins than they would if they operated in a western country.

To be honest, it is a bit of a fight to get Toy to realise we can’t eat out every night. I am not a “cheap Charlie” as she calls some farangs, but I don’t have endless resources.

Kanya Comes Round Every Day

We get to see Kanya a lot more than we used to. She is a bright and lively young lady and she’s good company.

But you can have too much of a good thing and, as I have said, I do not have a limitless source of cash from my atm. We’ll have to establish some ground rules on how often we meet as a threesome.

I hope Toy will be my wife pretty soon and as much as I love Kanya and will do anything for her, I see Toy and myself as a couple who should have some time of our own together.

Thais are so family oriented that they cannot seem to switch children and relatives off for even one minute. A clash of cultures, I suppose. We would expect to see family regularly in the West, but not as often as the Thais do.

We still spent time visiting markets and temples. Sometimes they are very similar and you think you’ve seen it all before.

Then you visit one that is so different with a character of its own that you cannot resist taking a score of photos.

I never get bored at browsing round the street markets with their distinctive smells of cooking and the fresh odours of fruits like Durian.

Chiangmai’s Street Markets and Craft Shops

I don’t tire of the craft shops. Maybe I will one day. For the moment I find them very interesting. I have always been a great one for window-shopping.

In Thailand, of course, there ain’t no windows! The traders display all their wares in the open, only rushing to cover them when the skies darken and the refreshing rain comes.

When it does rain you tend to get a good downpour and not a drizzle. It commonly lasts only a quarter of an hour or so. Having said that, I’m probably tempting fate. In a few moments, it will be pissing down!

My Honeymoon Period in Thailand

The smiles and the apparent happiness and contentment with life are part and parcel of every Thai’s existence. Unless you have been here, it is almost impossible to describe how the whole atmosphere of Thailand gets to you.

It’s so easy to forget some of the realities of life here. I suppose I am going through a honeymoon period with the country. Toy tries to explain how we should live for today and not worry about tomorrow.

This is the mai pen rai attitude that every Thai has. Whatever will be, will be. I can identify with that to some extent. It is less traumatic and it puts minor frustrations into perspective, I suppose.

However, I prefer to plan for possible unexpected costs in the future and try to budget accordingly. I have to consider meeting medical costs in a country with no welfare provision.

Yes, There Are Some Frustrations

I get used to going along to an appointment and finding the office is closed for the day. No warning; no apology.

You book a restaurant meal and they’re closed when you turn up. It doesn’t bother me as much as it used to though I understand why some farangs just can’t hack it.

You have to be Thai and have this “it doesn’t matter” view of life. It does not always work for me. I still get uptight from time to time, however much Toy says I should not.

Social Life in Thailand

We go to quite a lot of functions: weddings, school events, house-warmings, and events at the wat. It has always amazed me how many people turn up in Thailand for such occasions.

They are fundamentally social events for all the community to join in, at funerals especially. It’s a country where a friend of your friend becomes your friend too.

Thais will travel great distances to attend the funeral of someone they last met at school and whom they only occasionally meet or chat with on the phone.

I am slowly finding more and more differences between how we do things in the West compared with how it happens here. Things are rarely what they seem.

I know that I must try not to accept everything at face value.

We meet many people at these get-togethers. There is always some distant connection with Toy. The last one we went to was for the wedding of the daughter of a friend of Toy’s boss. We’d never met her or her family.

Everyone had a great time and we gave the usual cash envelope that is traditional in Thailand.

A local dignitary gave the main speech. I think he was a former member of parliament. A Thai family will always try to find someone important on occasions like these. He does not have to have any links with the family.  

Looking For A House

House hunting became a daily event for us and I enjoyed it immensely. There were so many on offer and the sales staff were bending over backwards to show you around.

Glasses of water were refreshed as you walked around the moobaan (estate, project) from show house to show house. Young girls came rushing up with umbrellas when the sun got hot.

This show of caring kindness is so typical of the Thai. Not only is it endearing but also you get addicted to it. You begin to expect it all the time.

It’s usually genuine but you sometimes wonder if the flirting is to impress the Westerner who has money. Maybe I am reading too much into that.

The show houses are meticulous. They are swept several times a day, the garden is carefully manicured, and the furniture on display instinctively makes you want to buy the property. You won’t of course get the furniture if or when you buy.

And, as we found out later, you don’t get the same quality in the house you actually purchase either.

Maybe punters should wait to purchase the show house when the moobaan has reached the end of its selling program.

We must have visited about twenty such estates developed by different companies until we found the location and size house Toy wanted and which I could afford.

We signed up with a new build some twenty kilometers from Chiangmai. It is in a convenient location and not so big that you feel there’s not much of a community spirit.

How Thais Get Their Way With Foreigners

Thais can be very persuasive. Without arguing, they get their way by making repeated suggestions. 

Toy may well be right about farangs always preferring to live in gated moobaans. Never having lived in an ordinary Thai village, I cannot really judge.

Only one of my expat friends lives in a village and he seems to like it, probably easier for him to get to know his neighbours and join in village activities.

I tend to go along with Toy’s ideas. I don’t speak Thai and outside her own social circle, I don’t know any Thais personally.

Perhaps I should try to create more space for myself and get out a bit more and have a fresher circle of friends, whether Thai or farang. I must give it some thought.

Our Typical Day

Toy works every day and sometimes has to do a “duty” day at weekends. Usually once a month, when she supervises pupils at the boarding school.

Either she takes the car or I drop her off. As I am home all day, I do my share of the household chores.

I don’t wear an apron all day long but I am proficient at loading and unloading washing machines, and my ironing skills are second to none.

Social Media

Facebook, YouTube, and the internet are godsends for the expat.

You can download a great deal from the UK BBC sites. It keeps you up to date with the foreign news and you can catch up with your favourite soaps or programmes.

I cycle to the front of the estate each morning to get my Bangkok Post, the daily Thai newspaper in English for expats.

And Now For A Big Surprise

My routine for the next weeks will be different. I have made up my mind. I am getting married to Toy.

She does not want a formal wedding or party, though we will have some friends round after we sign all the registers at the amphur, the local government office.

It took just twenty minutes at the office. I had prepared all my documentation in advance: passport, visa, permission to stay, a letter from the British consul to certify that I was free to marry.

Only a nominal charge from the Thai amphur. The consulate’s fee was several thousand baht and they made no checks. I just signed an affidavit. I ended up making two trips to get the letter.

The operation at the Thai government office was much slicker. An efficient production line and it got the job done. I opened a bottle of bubbly when we got home.

We had a great party in the evening. Neither of us had truly wanted a big fuss, we had both been married before. Her father lives in Tak, a long way away, so he did not come.

We’ll pop down there next weekend to pay the nominal dowry—the Thai sinsot. It’s a quiet gesture, but it matters.

You Pay The Parents When You Marry In Thailand

The payments are not strictly due when the woman is divorced, widowed, or of a certain age, but most farangs end up paying it, as I did.

However mistaken the assumption, foreigners are always perceived as having more money than Thais have. Families come to expect their generosity, regardless of what the farang might think.

Today’s Bangkok Post newspaper commented on a police report filed against a foreigner for refusing to pay a marriage dowry. It has no force in law but the man may find he ends up paying it. Amazing Thailand.

The Next Few Evenings

Toy and I will spend the next few evenings eating and drinking the night away to celebrate the start of my married life in Thailand.

I’ll be with the Thai goddess I first met all those years ago on an internet dating site.

We’ve come a long way since that first online exchange.

What began with a few cautious messages online has grown into shared routines, quiet laughter, and a bottle of bubbly on the porch.

But once the guests had gone and the sinsot was paid, I found myself wondering—what now?

Part 9 picks up there, as I begin to make sense of married life, daily rhythms, and whether I’m truly settling into this curious, captivating country.